“No one has ever made himself great by showing how small someone else is.” – Irvin Himmel***
Camille was a kind, educated woman. She was driven but soft spoken; a willing servant and a pleasure to work with. She was happy to marry the man of her dreams but it wasn’t long before he began to exhibit signs of anger, control and infidelity. His behavior produced insecurity and anxiety in Camille causing her to seek professional counseling.
I met Camille’s husband. He appeared thoughtful, friendly and responsible. It was years later when we became reacquainted that I learned what her life was like with him. Camille’s story is shared by others. Practical leadership advice to live by is a necessity for individuals like her. Many of us think the value of good leadership skill, is something needed in business but nowhere else. Good leadership is in demand in every household, every organization, every educational institution and in every religious organization.
This is not a “pick on men” post. On the contrary, there are many women who need just as much leadership advice to offset the forceful tongues and bullying behaviors used to coerce and manipulate others to follow their lead. Everywhere I turn, I am faced with poor leadership skills oozing out of households and establishments. It will eventually turn the best of situations sour. Simply put, here are five pieces of leadership advice to use and pass on to those who need it.
5 Pieces of Leadership Advice to Live By
1. Use Your Authority to Influence Others
Leading with an iron fist will never produce greatness in the home any more than it will in an organization. We have to identify proven ways to influence people while living out the leadership advice we’ve been told to live by. In families, many subscribe to the man being the head of the household. There is nothing wrong with that. It is a Biblical principal but it is not a license for absolute authority nor unyielding power. A leader in any location is a servant as well as an expert. They serve those they lead by making sure they have what they need to grow, self-govern and perform their own responsibilities. This includes the right tools, environment and teamwork.
Think of a leader as a consultant to those being led. They give guidance when it is needed and stand back when it is not needed. They do not force their expert opinions on others, they recognize the knowledge they have should enhance the skills and goals of others…others who have ideas and expertise of their own. In response to good leadership, sound advice and recognized (not imagined) expertise, people will recognize earned authority and will thus be more easily influenced by that leadership. Use you authority to influence not bully others. Bullying produces foes not allies.
2. Put the Needs of Others Before Your Own
Putting others first requires good listening skills and recognition that people cannot perform at a superior level if they lack basic needs. They need safety and security, confidence and assurance: and ongoing development. They need the right tools, the right training and the right opportunities to use them. When leaders spend time and resources pursuing lofty goals, public recognition and pats on the back, while their team struggles just to brew coffee in a broken down kitchenette, they lose the commitment of the team. Team members, family members, volunteers start to focus on the process of getting what they need to get the work done as opposed to the work itself. They can also become resentful and opt for greener pastures on another team. Put the needs of others before your own!
3. Bring Out the Strengths in Others
Leadership in the home is especially important because what happens in one’s home life impacts performance and goal attainment everywhere else. It also impacts the hearts and minds of all who reside in that home. When a person feels devalued, unappreciated or without control their self-esteem becomes bruised and they struggle to function effectively in all settings.
I’m grateful that my home, where I grew up was a clean safe haven from the things I faced outside those walls. Peace, creativity and acceptance were the cornerstones. We weren’t perfect by no means. Discipline, structure and ongoing instruction were key factors as well. We were forced to think for ourselves, taking baby steps while we learned to run and overcome barriers that life was bound to bring.
Ultimately the goal of leadership should always be to bring out the best in others in order to produce more leaders. As these leaders grow stronger in their ability to problem solve, manage daily operations and encourage others in the face of good and bad, they become a greater benefit to the one with the official charge of leadership.
4. Lead With Honesty & Transparency
When leadership is mismanaged or used like a weapon for selfish gain it will ultimately damage the future of their relationships. We also cannot ignore the old saying “what goes around, comes around.” This premise is actually rooted in scripture. To paraphrase it, Ephesians 6:8 says what we do for others God will in turn do for us. Using tricks, dishonesty or coercion will result in chaos, confusion and stagnation.
I knew an individual, let’s call him Tom, who held a management position with multiple areas of responsibility and approximately 100 employees or more. He was not the most honest or sincere individual but was likable to those he deemed important; quiet and aloof to all others. He was viewed as important by colleagues because of the amount of responsibility he held. Everyone knew however that he was a rule setter and a rule breaker. He did whatever was necessary to get results. I think he believed he was doing what was in the best interest of others by violating the rules, stretching the truth when necessary, withholding information when he saw fit to leave others in the dark, rewarding people when they kept his secrets and honoring those who gave him what he wanted with no questions asked. Right or wrong he was king and he was building an army of robots. A troop who did what they thought he wanted done and said what he would want them to say… no individual thought or expression required. What he didn’t realize was he had created an atmosphere that was void of trust, creativity and confidence. Without these things, there is no problem solving, just blind obedience. There are no new ideas nor innovation, just a maintaining of what already was. People feared him and they obeyed him. They loved him and they hated him. Those who could reign him in didn’t, because he got the job done.
So what happened to this manipulative leader? He met his match. Some who felt manipulated and bullied by him began to treat him as they had been treated; turning against him when he didn’t do what they liked. It became a war of the roses, if you will. The reported selective information to higher ups to gain confidence and assistance, kept documentation of his questionable actions while keeping their hands clean; and they built walls of fear and mistrust between him and themselves. To make a long story short, all the manipulators were removed from their jobs, one way or another. When did this happen? When new leadership, committed to honesty, transparency and ethics were put in the higher levels of authority. The empire crumbled, the castle swept clean. The change was done quickly and quietly. Be honest. Be transparent.
5. Build Trust
Manipulation is Not Leadership!
Some people are more manipulative by nature; they have strong wills, and their personalities encourage people to trust them without question. This can be problematic if they hold a position of authority. Poor leadership in the home produces troubled individuals later.
In all relationships, trust is important. We should be honest and forthright when we address others. We should be kind and respectful, even when in correction mode and require the same of others. Manipulation is a form of dishonesty. It undermines success and produces dysfunction.
Closing Thoughts
Camille’s situation mirrors that of many in the home and in the business world. Poor leadership is everywhere but it is harder to maintain in larger organizations. In small spaces, like small businesses, home environments and more contained areas, leaders can get away with brute like behaviors and moments of manipulation because there is less accountability and monitoring. In other words, they can hide from prying eyes and corrective actions. Every leader should be accountable to someone else, even in the home, there should be someone who can give wisdom and guidance and stop individuals who are bordering or have crossed the border of manipulation and bullying. Examples are mentors, pastors, parents (yes even for adults), business owners, high ranking executives etc. This aides in the accountability factor. Evaluation and monitoring of a leader’s treatment of others is instrumental in an evaluation process as opposed to strictly financial and goal attainment. Leaders with poor people skills often have high ranks in these two categories, which is why their poor behaviors are often overlooked.
In this day and age, people’s response to poor treatment is to walk away, if they can. They get other jobs or find new spouses. There is an old adage that I believe to be true, which says people don’t leave organizations, they leave supervisors. In the broader sense, people don’t leave institutions they leave leaders.
Camille divorced her husband and didn’t look back. She decided her peace of mind and self-esteem were more valuable than acquiescing to intimidation and manipulation. She needed to be able to function in other areas of life and couldn’t when under scrutiny and pressure at home.
Good leadership is critical for retention and development of others. So use your authority to influence others, put the needs of others before your own, bring out the strengths of those you lead, lead with honest and transparency and focus on building trust.