“Confidence is silent insecurities are loud.” – Author Unknown ***
I am happy to say I have rarely been subjected to managers who thought they knew everything. You know the kind of person I’m referring to; the one who knows the answer to every question and the details on every event, even if they weren’t at the event.
So what’s up with that? Some would say that such a person could have an inflated ego or an excessive sense of self-esteem. I would argue that such a person is insecure and easily threatened by the confidence and knowledge of others. When one grabs hold of this thought, it’s easier to take in their actions and determine the appropriate response but still not necessarily comforting.
When This Behavior is Yours
If you find yourself reprimanding people for sharing information, their thoughts or ideas, you might want to ask yourself why you do that. I’m not talking about stopping someone who likes to intentionally contradict you as a leader or purposely challenge your authority. I’m talking about those who are honestly sharing what they know in an effort to help increase the knowledge or understanding of others. Why would that not be something you reward and encourage?
When someone does not see other people’s sharing insights or a free exchange of information as beneficial to a common goal that may be cause for alarm. Hopefully that’s not you. Such disdain from a leader is bound to shut down innovation and problem solving quickly and easily. That same person will later wonder why their team lacks innovation and problem solving skills. If this leader happens to be you, you could step down from leadership but that won’t stop the behavior. It is not wrong to seek professional help. Acknowledgement of the behavior was the first step in a process of self-improvement, get help.
When You Recognize the Behavior in Someone Else
When you see defensiveness, oppressive tendencies and dismissive responses to otherwise routine conversations, you might be puzzled. As described, it all sounds like it might be obvious but in reality it’s not for many. These hindering actions can be very subtle; so much so that even the receiver of said behavior might miss it the first few times it happens but most likely they are left feeling uncomfortable. They may not be able to put their finger on it, they just know something is not right. After having experienced the behavior multiple times, however, it becomes clear, that this other person is sending a clear message not to engage in the positive behaviors any more, leaving a poor taste and a bewildered mind to figure it out.
Behaviors At Home
Here’s a home based scenario that paints the picture, Tim and Dawn, are newly married. They have dated for years and have successfully managed their own finances. Now that they are married, they decide to combine their monies in joint bank accounts etc. On one particular day, Dawn asks Tim a question about the energy bill and the process he is using to pay it because she has used a different way that might save them money. Tim’s response is made up of several short abrupt answers and ends with, saying “We don’t need to do it another way.” Dawn experiences brief conversational dissents like these over time, that leave her feeling blindsided.
On another day, Dawn and Tim are having dinner with another couple. Things are light-hearted and friendly, all are having a good time. The other couple begins to talk about buying a new car and admittedly they find the process a bit daunting and rather out of reach because cars are so expensive. No one except Dawn has ever owned a new vehicle. Dawn introduces the subject of leasing vehicles as the easiest way to securing a new vehicle which can lead to ownership if one chooses or leads to another lease. In either case, she says, you are able to drive new vehicle’s without the risk and hassles that come with used vehicles. Tim becomes agitated and argumentative on the subject, insisting that leasing is not for everyone and that she is being presumptive in suggesting otherwise. He also asserts that leasing is expensive and therefore just as cost prohibitive as owning a new car. He later tells Dawn, when they are alone in the car, that she needs to stop telling people what to do.
As you read that, you might see the subtleties as well as the blatancies of the scenario given. It may be more obvious from the outside looking in but from the inside out it will usually be more subtle because it is behavior that actually surprises the recipient of it. It is surprising because, like anything that surprises, it is unexpected. What makes this type of behavior stand out and what makes it so surprising is that there was little or no sign of it in the history of the individuals’ relationship prior to the onset of the behavior.
Behaviors at Work
Jen had been an employee of this organization for 15 years. She had worked her way up, knew
Her way around and paid her dues. She was a hard worker and went above and beyond for her clients. After working alone and carrying the full load on her own, her new director was getting her some much needed help. Jen was given the role of supervisor and was actively involved in hiring additional staff. Four people were hired to serve on two separate teams. Though, Jen would supervise them all, two would work directly with Jen.
It wasn’t long before the director was getting complaints from the two individuals who were working directly with Jen. They reported that Jen seemed overly defensive whenever they gave suggestions or attempted to share new insights on how to get the work done more effectively and more efficiently. Nothing they said went unchallenged. I noticed that when Jen was addressing the director regarding the other two women, her body language indicated very little respect or trust towards either of them. I came to know both women over time and could see where one was very challenging while the other was simply not moved by the psychological turmoil and chose not to engage. She just kept to her job duties and quietly minded her own business. Less input, average output; no more, no less. It was safer that way for her.
First question that we’re all likely to ask is, What Do We Call This Behavior?
What Do We Call This Behavior?
It is tough to define people’s behaviors when they appear unclear, inconsistent and irrational to the average person. Some such behaviors are only recognizable when we spend a great deal of time with a person, otherwise it may go unnoticed. This could be because they get comfortable and begin to exhibit the behaviors more freely or because we are spending more time with them, we begin to see more of who they really are. Either way, it still begs the question, what is it?
Insecurity
The person could simply be insecure and has a hard time coming to terms with those insecurities.
Narcissism
They could be exhibiting undertones of narcissism, which is an excessive interest or love of one’s self. It is a scale on which all of us said to be placed, to some degree, but when one is high on this scale, the accompanying behaviors can be demeaning, dismissive and destructive to others. When someone’s narcissism is at this level, the people around them usually have to find ways of self preservation and achievement in spite of the narcissist, as their goal is to be the center of attention.
Borderline Personality Disorder
The person might also be experiencing Borderline Personality Disorder. One of the symptoms of which is an unwillingness to accept differences of opinion from others as well as a fear that others are criticizing them.
Emotional Intelligence: Steps To Keeping Your Sanity With Challenging Behaviors
I’m no doctor of psychology but I’m sure there are other possibilities for the described behaviors. With that in mind, what do you do if you find yourself faced with a boss, a team member, a spouse or even a friend who makes you feel you cannot be yourself, offer advice, give instruction or share valid insights to others?
The first order of business is to evaluate the relationship. Is this a casual relationship? Is it possible to limit the frequency and depth of contact with this person? Does this relationship need to be maintained? If not, let it go.
Clearly if it is the person you report to and you plan to stay in that job you’ll need to focus on distancing and control.
If it is a sibling, a colleague or other person you don’t necessarily have to deal with, you can simply plan to limit your interaction. You can try talking to them but if that doesn’t work, focus on limiting your contact.
If however this is a scenario in which this person is a leader, staff member or volunteer who reports to you, you have no choice but to act.
We Can’t Always Diagnose the Symptoms
One thing I have learned in correcting negative behaviors in grown people, is that we can’t always drill down to the rationale behind their behaviors. As much as we would like to understand why so we can get to the root of the matter, we can’t always get there. Spiritually we might mull over root causes so we can pray for the person, but in dealing with the natural order of a man or woman’s mind, all we can do is try by asking all the right questions and analyzing what we end up with.
The Conversation
The conversation should include a description of the behavior from a first-hand viewpoint. This minimizes the opportunity for the person to insist that someone who told you is lying. The conversation should be compassionate, include probing yet empathetic questions to learn where this behavior is coming from and should begin with and include highlights of the positive skills and attributes you recognize in this person. Some of these behaviors may stem from childhood or past relationships in which they were constantly being blamed for wrong-doing or were made to feel inferior. Because of such experiences, even the faintest of slights or a hint of inferiority makes them defensive or insecure, causing the reaction you’ve seen.
After asking the right questions and analyzing what we end up with, we make it clear what the next steps are for the individual under our leadership. This makes it clear what is expected and leaves no room for ambiguity.
A perfect example is one that might be easier to understand. When dealing with a situation where someone has been accused of racism, you look at the facts, you look at the circumstances, you look at the answers to the questions. You don’t dismiss the outcome. You may never fully understand why people do what they do and they may never be willing to admit that they do in fact feel some level of hatred or superiority over another person’s race. We don’t always have time to ponder the mental thoughts of others because we cannot read their minds. As I indicated in a previous post, “Real Talk on Racism: Do Racists Know They’re Racist?” some people are racist and don’t even know it!
Leaders Must Manage the Situation
We go with what we know and address what we see. We tell people what is expected and what we cannot tolerate. We also tell them what will happen if they violate those expectations. That’s how we can maintain control and hold people accountable.
I have often heard managers fret over their inability to control individuals. They were partially correct in thinking they had no control over people but incorrect in thinking they had no control over the situation. It is that thinking that often landed them in troubled waters, thus allowing people to escalate in inappropriate conduct.
Always remember we mange things and lead people. We coach, counsel and pray for people to do better and be better because our goal is to help them become great; however we can lead a horse to water but we can’t make him drink. A person must become the change they want to see happen around them. That’s as good as it gets if they aspire for change and greatness but when we are dealing with someone who has no such desire and all they seek to do is ruffle our feathers and tear down what we are building up, we don’t have time to sit back waiting to discover their hidden motives. The walls of whatever we’re leading may be tumbling down before those answers are clear. In leadership of people we have to act quickly, not so quickly that we lack compassion, but as quickly as possible in order to keep everyone healthy and productive. Don’t lose control and don’t hand it over either.
Leadership is not for the faint of heart. What we do is major. How we do it is just as important. People are important to achieving every goal but everyone must know their place and function effectively in their role. Emotional intelligence is a real skill we need to nurture these components and achieve the success we are seeking. Many aspire to lead but few are actually good leaders. Make sure you are one of the latter!