“Faith is taking the first step even when you don’t see the whole staircase.” – Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.***
A young 10 year old tells her teacher that a boy in her classroom keeps teasing, taunting and touching her. The teacher asks, “Did he hurt you?” “No,” the little girl replies but she insists it makes her uncomfortable. The teacher tells the girl it’s normal and that the little boy has a crush on her.
An older, white female executive sabotages a committee run by a younger woman of color by not following through on actions assigned to her. She doesn’t admit these omissions, she just doesn’t complete the tasks so they go no further than the meeting table. Though no one really realizes what this exec is actually doing…or not doing, committee members grow weary of the lack of meaningful accomplishments of the group and the atmosphere this executive is creating during meetings. They begin to leave the committee one by one. They are honest, with the chair of the committee, as to why they are leaving, stating execs are not taking the work seriously and the exec on the committee makes meetings uncomfortable. They see no point in continuing to waste their time. In a private meeting between the two of them, the exec tells the young, woman of color that people are leaving the committee and no meaningful work is getting done because of her (young woman of color’s) poor leadership of the group.
Most of us can relate to or recall those moments in life when someone told us something that just didn’t make sense; times when we were hurting, struggling or in need of help and those we approached or depended on had another mindset or different agenda. These are just two examples of hamful actions that can occur in calamitous circumstances that can lead to greater calamity if we don’t recognize it.
Though I have not always identified these types of situations as such, it is what has come to be known as gaslighting. We hear the word more and more lately… well maybe you haven’t but I do. I hear it on the news, TV shows, social media. Learning about it is an eye opening instance at best and an “Aha Moment” at worst because it reveals multiple realities about life and people – your life, and people in it. Read on…
What is Gaslighting?
Typically people use the term gaslighting to refer to men and their abuse of the woman in their lives. It can, however, occur by and towards any gender. In other words a woman can gaslight a man or another woman just as a man can gaslight another man, as much as he can a woman, and it is not strictly relegated to romantic or marital relationships. Anyone can gaslight and anyone can be gaslighted. It can happen in the home, in a dating relationship, in the workplace, in an education setting and in the church.
This term originated from a 1938 play written by Brittish playwright, Patrick Hamilton which was later made into an Alfred Hitchcock movie in 1944 called Gaslight. The story portrays a heroine whose husband attempts to drive her insane by manipulating her mind and her reality through word and deed, including the manipulation or dimming of their gas-fueled lights and telling her she is hallucinating.
Gaslighting is a subtle yet sneaky form of abuse that thrives on insecurity. It is an abusive tactic that gradually moves the target of the abuse to doubt their thoughts, feelings and even their sanity through repetitive, manipulative techniques. It is often viewed as a tool of misogyny where men can use a number of maneuvers to incite uncertainty and self-doubt so he can gain control. These maneuvers include:
- Dismissal – being dismissive of any legitimate harm being done, insisting the victim lied and is being a manipulative opportunist in claiming wrong doing as they stand to gain from it (attention, money etc)
- Denial – refusing to admit or acknowledge situations or promises to avoid responsibility
- Withholding – pretending not to understand a person’s concerns or refusing to listen to them
- Minimizing – minimizing any harm they are doing to the victim by insinuating the victim is being overly sensitive (“I’m just playing with you.” “Where’s your sense of humor?”)
- Blaming – insisting that any bad behavior on the part of the perpetrator was caused by the victim (“Why were you there anyway?” “Why were you drinking?” “You brought this on yourself.”)
- Diversion – changing the subject by diverting the conversation to something other than what the person is trying to address (“Where did you hear that? Why are you telling people our business?!”)
- Himpathy – a term coined by Kate Manne, author of “Down Girl: The Logic of Misogyny,” and is defined as the inappropriate and disproportionate sympathy men often enjoy in cases of intimate partner violence, sexual assault, homicide and other misogynistic behavior.
As previously stated however, gaslighting can occur at the hand of someone other than men and on various dimensions. It can occur with whistle blowers, in politics, medicine, parental and professional settings as well as any situation where individuals seek power and control and thus choose to act out against individuals of marginalized or non-marginalized groups.
In a July 14, 2020, Medical News Today article, written by Jennifer Huizen “According to the CPTSD Foundation, medical gaslighting occurs when a doctor or medical professional dismisses or trivializes a person’s health concerns based on the assumption they are mentally ill. They may tell the person their symptoms are “in their head,” for example.”
Gaslighting as a Tool of Oppression
Gaslighting can be used as an instrument of oppression against individuals of color, persons with disabilities, people with lower socio-economic standing etc.
In their 2017 paper, “Racial Gaslighting,” Professor Angelique Davis and Dr. Rose Ernst define racial gaslighting as “the political, social, economic and cultural process that perpetuates and normalizes a white supremacist reality through pathologizing those who resist.” They further charge that it is racial gaslighting that has enabled the systemic covert and overt versions of white supremacy and racism to “remain inextricably woven into the ideological fabric of the United States.”
The act of gaslighting is an individual’s way of gaining and maintaining power and control over another. It’s all kind of sinister if you ask me. Maybe because of the movie from which it derived its label. Though I have not always been aware of its existence, I am glad I responded in a way that prevented any major psychological or professional damage when faced with those who engaged in it as a means of operation. I struggle with people who seek control over other people although, some can engage in such behaviors and not be aware that they are doing it.
Psychological Effects of Gaslighting
Gaslighting can also lead to mental health concerns. The constant self-doubt and confusion can contribute to anxiety and depression if not managed and eliminated effectively.
In cases where denial is a tactic used by the abuser, the denial, as well as other tactics, can leave the victim feeling unseen and unheard. These are typical feelings regularly experienced by marginalized populations. It makes it difficult for the victim to move on or to heal from the bullying or abusiveness. People who have experienced trauma, who have more dependent personalities, or those in relationship with narcissistic personalities are more prone to gaslighting. The greatest amount of damage seems to occur when individuals remain in the relationship long term, allowing the cycle of behavior to continue to erode the victim’s self-esteem, self-perception and perception of reality.
Gaslighting in the Workplace
Again, these behaviors are not always intentional, aggressive control moves. In the workplace it can sometimes be a defense mechanism used to protect one’s role or position when being questioned about mishaps or underperformance. In an effort to camouflage the reality, the person begins to deflect and deny occurrences, insisting things never transpired, while throwing someone else under the bus and causing that person to question their own reality. The deluge of excuses can also derail the conversation to the extent that a person forgets what they were actually addressing in the first place.
Other signs to look for at work can include things such as…
- Repeated denial of receiving information from you (when you know you sent it… more than once)
- Things disappearing then reappearing in and around your work space (that you keep searching for, because you could swear you had an unused box of staples…tape….)
- Sexist or racist comments are made by the person who later denies saying or reprimands others for doing so, thus making you question whether or not they really could have said “that” or not
- Insisting they are carrying out important work or tasks when they are not making any attempt to do so
- Giving you false information then calling you on the carpet for following their false guidance…which they deny ever giving
These are just some examples of gaslighting in the workplace. By now, you get the just of how gaslighting works. It causes a person to question their own abilities and skills, distrusting their own judgement. I have actually seen it in operation in volunteer and church settings as well. This only alerts us to the reality that leadership in any setting, including God’s house, must be alert and prepared to deal with sinister, mal-intentioned behaviors that can affect those who are not alert and are unsuspecting. Leaders have to function as shepherds, protecting the flock against wolves. We have talked about the wolves before! See past post: “Leadership’s Role in Maintaining an Inclusive Environment.”
Self-Protection from Gaslighting
In a work setting the easiest thing to do is document actions to guard against false accusations and denials that create problems for you.
- Keep copies of sent emails, details on voicemails received, if not the voicemails themselves.
- If others are witnesses to the person’s gaslighting behaviors, employ their support and documentation as well.
- Confront the aggressor and let them know you recognize their behaviors and you expect them to stop
- If behaviors continue and they become potentially harmful to you or your employment, take your solid documentation to higher management and/or human resources with clarity on what you are asking them to do on your behalf, i.e. you want the gaslighter to stop harassing you and impeding the progress of work you are conducting or leading
In personal relationships, medical gaslighting or parental gaslighting it is best to disengage from interacting with the individual as much as possible if not completely, depending upon the relationship. We can end a romantic or medical relationship but not necessarily a parental one, but we can set boundaries for ourselves and others.
2. In harmful of potentially harmful relationships, create a safety plan, which includes ways to protect yourself from physical and emotional abuse before, during, and after leaving the relationship or situation. According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, a safety plan may include:
• safe places and escape points
• the contact details of people someone can call upon for help
• self-care activities that help someone to cope
• a plan for safely leaving the abusive situation
3. Find ways to validate and affirm your own thoughts and opinions – surround yourself with others who validate and support you as well. These should be people who encourage you to be and become your best self.
4. Seek professional counseling if the damage was enough to cause you to second guess yourself and your reality even after the person is no longer around
Closing Thoughts
What can I say? A leader’s work is never done. Here is just one more thing to watch for! Cheer up, it’s worth it, if it means keeping the flock healthy and productive. In the fight against gender bias, racism and other discriminatory, demeaning actions that are geared towards the undermining of individual success, we learn what we can and do what we must to help others succeed.