“I would advise you against defensiveness on principle. It precludes the best eventualities along with the worst. At the most basic level it expresses a lack of faith.” – Marilynne Robinson
How do we become better if we don’t realize we are not actually operating at A+ level? How do we become better at leadership when we don’t realize there’s a need for improvement? Last question, how do we improve when we get defensive when someone informs us that we need to do better?
Defensiveness is a Cousin to Fear
When we get defensive we are saying, I don’t need your input; You don’t know what you’re talking about; I don’t need fixing; but maybe what we really want to say is, Your information is making me uncomfortable.
So What is Defensiveness?
Defensiveness is ones protective response to being challenged or criticized. When such communication is occurring the individual may exhibit signs of resistance, anger, denial or victimization in an effort to deflect or resist the criticism given. Defensive behaviors in animals include flight, freezing, risk assessment and defensive attack.
The type of defensive behavior elicited in a particular situation depends on features of both the threat and the situation. It is much the same for humans. We see things like, avoiding the conversation or supporting details (flight), silence due to an inability to speak not cold silence (freezing), mindless chatter, probing questions about the result of the actions not the rationale (risk assessment) or the person begins to blame the challenger, blame others, make counter accusations, show anger, begin to tell the challenger, how the challenger feels and thinks, which is supposed to explain why they are making the accusatory remarks (defensive attack).
All of which is responding to a feeling of discomfort because someone has challenged us to do or be better… challenged us to simply make a correction.
Don’t get me wrong. It is challenging to take correction. It is uncomfortable to be told we are doing something wrong. In leadership we are sometimes in need of reminding, however, that we are simply human. My father repeatedly drilled two simple words into me and my sister as we were growing up. We heard these words in when we made mistakes and when we witnessed the mistakes of others, “Nobody’s perfect!” There were other messages that we heard throughout our childhood and adulthood that sent accompanying messages, such as “Only God is perfect,” “Always do your best,” “If you mess up, fix it quickly and keep moving, everyone doesn’t have to know.”
But I’m Innocent, I Didn’t Mean to Do It!
I had what might seem like a simple situation to you, but I was devastated! I received a call from another director in an organization where I was working. This individual was an extremely kind, thoughtful, mindful leader. He was either a psychologist or sociologist by background. It was his job to understand people and to show empathy and respect and this was always evident in his behavior. It was almost scripted but not. He served on some committee I was leading, I don’t even remember what it was at this point, I just know that it was important. He called me and said… oh so sincerely, and he interjected my name in the question which added more emphasis… He informed me that our committee had held several meetings and sent out numerous meeting notes, handouts, agendas and reminders and he had made it to some of the meetings because some have mentioned the meetings in conversations, however, he wanted to know (this is where my name got interjected) why I was leaving him off of my email communications to the group!
As he was still speaking…because he repeated his concern again…oh the agony of guilt I felt… I was brought up the email list for the committee, and sure enough, his name was not in the list. I had a fairly large desk and there was more than enough room for me to crawl under there. At that moment, that is exactly where I wanted to be. So in all of this phone conversation, I must say, I couldn’t hear him anymore. I was going through my own thing. There was a screech that went off in my brain. It was followed by voices, the voices of my spirit, this man’s spirit, God’s spirit, all at the same time:
“How could you do this to him?”
“Cynthia, I can’t imagine what I might have done to be ignored and forgotten like this. Why didn’t you notice?”
“Just apologize, mistakes happen.”
Ugh! I still feel some kinda way when I reminisce on that unpleasant conversation. Of course, I apologized. Of course I added him to the email list and of course I sent him an email with another apology. We never spoke of it again. As nice as he was about it though, I still felt attacked. I still felt defensive. I was guilty as charged but I still felt attacked. I still felt defensive.
How to Respond to Criticism
It’s natural to feel defensive when receiving criticism, whether real or imagined. It may be heightened when the criticism is perceived as untrue but what matters most is our outward response in the short term and our inward response in the long term.
How to Respond to Criticism in the Short Term
- Listen!
- Don’t make excuses
- Don’t blame anyone else
- Do NOT assert your superiority if it is someone you lead (if they are being disrespectful, in tone or style of presentation address that only)
- Do not deny the offense unless you are 100% sure you are not guilty (i.e. you were accused of a crime you know you didn’t commit!)
- Apologize even if you were unaware of the behavior; apologize for being offensive if nothing else, until you have had time to digest and look into the matter
How to Respond to Criticism in the Long Term
1. Face the Fear
I started out by saying that defensiveness is a cousin to fear, so one way to respond to our own defensive behaviors is to recognize that it is our own fear. Thinking about it in advance of something happening, helps prepare us when we find ourselves in the midst of a situation. Ask yourself, what you are afraid of. What are you responding to? Is it rejection? Is it a fear of being viewed as ignorant or incompetent? Then counter those thoughts with reality:
• When I’m defensive I’m feeling attacked.
• When I get defensive I am feeling misunderstood.
• When I get defensive I feel no one is listening to me.
• Realistically, I should not feel incompetent as a leader because if I were incompetent, I wouldn’t have been chosen as a leader in the first place.
2. Build Strength in Areas of Weakness
When we face our fears, we find they are not so large and they are not so real. If in fact there is some justification for the fear, then we should pursue greater strength in the area where we find weakness. If we are being challenged because we feel we are failing in a particular area then this must be viewed as an opportunity not the beginning of the end. Opportunity is the beginning of something great!
3. Do Your Due Diligence
Due diligence is when we do an investigation, audit or review of information to thoroughly evaluate the pros, cons and possible results of pursuing or implementing something. It is a term often used in financial or legal circumstances. It applies in the long term process of breaking down our own defensiveness and becoming better leaders. Do some investigation. Find out what went wrong. Ask yourself my famous question: How did I get here? Answer the question then ask yourself my second famous question: Now what? Do the work! Make the adjustment! Change the behavior!
4. Be Honest With Yourself
Honesty really is the best policy. Do some self-reflection. We don’t get far without giving thought to who we are, where we are going and what we are trying to do. If we do this on a regular basis we should be pretty well acquainted with ourselves. If that is the case then sitting down having yet another tête à tête (private conversation between two people) with only you and God present can only improve the situation.
Truth be told, we like to lie to ourselves sometimes. We like to tell ourselves that we’ve done all we can do and we’ve done nothing wrong when the reality is the opposite. The reason we do that is that we cannot face the truth. The only way we can move forward, taking failure to victory is to face the truth and do our due diligence, build strength in our areas of weakness and ultimately face our fears. Funny how the end leads back to the beginning.
That’s All Folks! That was a bit sobering, even for me but truth always is in leadership.