“I would rather be alone with dignity than in a relationship that requires me to sacrifice my self-respect.” – Author Unknown***
Juggling the multi-layers and multiple demands of leadership can be very challenging, we know this but do we realize how it plays out in our minds and how it affects our relationships and psychological health? I say no… we don’t. Being successful doesn’t mean we try to please everyone in an effort to be seen as the nicest person all the time. Being successful involves maintaining the right mindset, discipline and leadership qualities that help us be the best we can be. That’s easier said than done.
The components of the right mindset, discipline and leadership qualities can be a horrendous amount of tools in one’s tool chest. One of those tools is self-respect. In all that we face and must do, it is easy to forget who we are and how we are to behave on a daily basis. For some it’s natural, for others it can easily be overlooked, especially if it is not something we usually maintain. Regardless of what category you fall into, remember that self-respect is part of self-care and can actually help us get ahead.
What is Self-Respect?
Before going further, we should make sure we are on the same page. Self-respect is defined as the level of self-importance and confidence one has in oneself. It is holding ourselves in a high esteem, believing that we are worthy and deserve to be treated fairly and with kindness and decency. The term self-respect is often used interchangeably with the term self-esteem.
According to Verywellmind.com, in their online article by Kendra Cherry entitled, “What is Self Esteem?” there are a few simple ways to tell if we have a healthy self-esteem. The following is a list of characteristics we tend to exhibit when we do hold a healthy self-esteem
- We avoid dwelling on negative experiences of the past
- We do not believe we are better or worse than others but see ourselves as equal to everyone else
- We express our needs
- We tend to have an overall feeling of confidence
- We have a positive outlook on life
- We say no when we want to
- We see our overall strengths and weaknesses and we accept them
Cherry confirms my contention that self-respect or our self-view can help us get ahead as she states, “Self-esteem …influences motivation, as people with a healthy, positive view of themselves understand their potential and may feel inspired to take on new challenges.”
When we don’t engage in and nurture the proper behaviors that can guard, protect and build our self-respect and thus our self-esteem, we may inadvertently cause ourselves to begin moving in the opposite direction. A variety of factors can impact our self-respect. These factors include age, ageism, race, racism, health, abilities/disabilities, sexism, socioeconomic status, parental influences etc.
Self-esteem is lowest during childhood and increases during adolescence and adulthood, provided an individual is in a healthy environment most of the time, i.e. the home environment. If we are constantly hearing negative feedback, criticisms and demeaning, dismissive statements from those we love, we are likely to struggle at maintaining a healthy self-esteem. Our self-esteem has a lot to do with how we perform and behave, even when we may have every reason to function quite effectively and efficiently.
RITA
I knew a woman, I’ll call her Rita. Rita was hired temporarily for a business unit to fill a soon-to-be vacant position. The department was not sure what they were going to do with the vacancy long term, so they chose the agency route. The position needing to be filled was a professional position that required previous expertise in that particular work. Rita not only had that particular expertise but she had extensive management experience in that area as well. Rita had been unemployed for a period of time. I’m not sure how long, maybe a couple of years but nothing too extensive. From our conversations, I imagined she was semi-retired but was picking up additional income through temporary agency assignments. She had informed me her husband was still gainfully employed. By the way she dressed, spoke and the professions of both her husband and herself, I assumed they were a fairly intelligent, accomplished couple. Rita was 15-20 years my senior. I automatically felt she deserved a certain level of respect. I knew it couldn’t be easy going into a large company and having to pick up someone else’s workload and run with it, with what I knew was probably very little orientation and training. The people working in that department seemed impatient with her questions and any errors she made. Could her age have influence their thinking?
How did I deduce that you ask? Well, I could tell by the huffs, puffs, eye rolls and sighs people would make when anyone would say, “Rita has a question,” or “Rita is wondering can you help her?” I didn’t dare huff or puff when such statements came my way, lest one day that would be me in her shoes. I’m not saying that I’m such a great person, but what I am saying is that the woman needed help so why not give her a chance and give her some assistance as well?! I will admit, she seemed unsure of herself and seemed to second guess herself quite a bit, but I didn’t assume that meant she didn’t know anything. That’s what others seemed to believe. In fact, I assumed Rita behaved this way because she worried that we all thought she was incompetent. Quite naturally, she began to gravitate towards me with her questions; undoubtedly because I was the only one who gave her unconditional acceptance as a professional and simply tried to help her get comfortable performing in the job she had been given in an unfamiliar environment. You cannot tell me that this woman who did this kind of work for an entire career and managed people who did the work, was not competent enough to actually do the job?! Of course she could; and she did! She might have been able to show more confidence if those around her had shown more confidence in her abilities and given her verbal confirmation as well.
American psychologist Abraham Maslow included self-respect in his hierarchy of needs. He described two different forms of respect that individuals need:
- Respect from others and
- Self-respect or self-esteem
I have watched very confident, competent people become self-conscious and tentative in their work because of the people around them and I have also seen people who should be self-conscious and tentative in their work, act very poised and confident because of the encouragement and support they received from those in their surroundings. Respect from others can have major implications in one’s self-respect and ultimately their accomplishments. I have even seen and experienced variations in self-esteem based upon love relationships and the treatment of those that people, particularly women, engage with.
We cannot always control the actions of other people but we can influence how their behaviors affect us and our needs before they become toxically entangled with our goals and objectives. The results of this entanglement can be stagnating and produce a lowered confidence… not something a leader needs to contend with or cause. Here are some suggestions for helping others honor your guidelines for respect and support. The less we have to contend with the negative, the easier it is for us to keep our thinking and self-view on the right track.
1. Set Boundaries
Let others know what you expect of them whenever possible. That means parents let children know, adults let significant others, siblings and parents know and so forth. When people are asking too much or too little of you, help them understand your boundaries and what is acceptable for you. The earlier this happens the better. Once boundaries are established, it is important that we be consistent and hold others to them. It doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship ends, but it might mean, they may not see you as often, the nature of the relationship may change or you might actually impose some type of correction.
2. Carry Yourself in a Respectful Manner
People tend to treat us the way we treat us. If we walk, talk and dress professionally and confidently, others will tend to do the same thing. I notice people who see me in confident, competent situations are more likely to show me much more respect and have higher expectations than those who see me in more subordinate, quiet less confident situations. For example, if someone sees me quietly participating in activities or meetings but acting unsure of myself or uninformed, others, who do not know me are more likely to overlook me, ignore me or treat me in a more subjective way. They may not mean to do this, but human nature says respect those who matter and ignore those who don’t. Carry yourself as if you matter!
3. Demand Respect from Others – Respectfully
Like Aretha Franklin sang in her song Respect, “R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to me…” Make sure people know what respect looks like for you. Your idea of respect may not match mine so don’t assume they know. Granted, in some cases, they are aware that they are being disrespectful but you, leader, are going to make sure there are no mistakes and take the guesswork out of the process. Let others know when their behavior is not acceptable and what you expect going forward. Do it respectfully. Do it privately, whenever possible and do it promptly. Do not let time soften the severity or the urgency of other people’s bad behavior. You are not reaming them out. You are letting them know what is and what is not, respectable for you.
4. Don’t Jeopardize Your Image Because Others are Naturally Disrespectful
My mother use to say, “Don’t let anyone make you act ugly.” I remember her saying that as we were getting older. I completely understood the messaging behind it because I knew my mother. She was saying, don’t let someone else cause you to act out of character, while they are skipping around town as if they’ve done nothing wrong, while you are the one who looks bad and will possibly pay the price for such a reaction.
5. Learn How & When To Say No
People are forever asking us to do things. The more we say yes, the more they ask. Saying yes, does not make you a superstar. It does not make you nice simply because you can’t say “no.” It actually makes you weak. If you need to say no, say no. If you have to attend your son’s basketball game or your daughter’s track meet, say so when your committee is scheduling that evening meeting. Even if you don’t reveal your specific commitments, let them know you are not available that evening. You can volunteer another night but stand your ground and make alternate arrangements. No sense sacrificing what matters most because you fear saying that word, “No!”
6. Monitor Your Self-Talk and Thoughts
Build but also maintain a positive outlook on life and about yourself and your abilities. If there is something you feel insecure about, build your skills and knowledge in that area and practice until you are competent and confident in that which you were initially insecure about. If there are people who speak negatively to or about you, eliminate those people or the amount of exposure such people have to you. Engage in speaking positive, encouraging words to yourself… don’t exaggerate (LOL) but speak well to and about yourself and your abilities. It is tough to do when speaking to others because it sounds arrogant but learn to speak this way to yourself and to share your accomplishments.
Closing Thoughts
I heard a saying, “Don’t let someone get comfortable disrespecting you.” I would say ditto to that and don’t allow you to disrespect yourself. As Maslow’s research indicates, we need the respect of other people but we also need self-respect. We should all do a better job of guarding our own respect zones. We might all be better leaders, better followers and better people if we had done this earlier and more consistently in our lives.
As we sharpen our self-respect, we are to monitor how well we respect others. No sense guarding ourselves while violating the self-esteem of those around us. How do we build self-respect in our kids, elderly parents, spouses, co-workers, siblings? Ask yourself these questions and make the adjustments. It’s never too late to start and never too early to change!