“One of the truest signs of maturity is the ability to disagree with someone while still remaining respectful.” – Dave Willis***
Introduction
In spite of the fact that research shows numerous negative results from overbearing, negative leadership on work environments, people and productivity, people continue to lead in a manner that leaves others feeling demeaned and degraded. This type of leadership hurts the families of those they lead, it reduces productivity, diminishes creativity and more. So what about the balance of leadership and the impact of leadership when you have two leaders working together… like a president and a vice president… a principal and an assistant principal… a supervisor and a director… you get the picture.
In each of these examples, regardless of the title or backdrop, they form a team. The makeup of that team and the interactions of that team matter a great deal when it comes to impact and influence on others.
Choice Matters
I’ve previously shared that my very first manager was a mean guy who gloried in his intimidating image. My immediate supervisor was very personable and professional.
My second manager was not much different. It was in retail and he was the store manager. Other managers were assistants and just as my previously mentioned supervisor, they were all fairly personable, professional and even fun. By the time I got to this job I had become slightly more comfortable in my adulthood, so my personality was starting to become more apparent. I did not agree with the mean surly manager persona so I didn’t really fall victim to it. By that, I mean, I would continue as usual when the manager would appear. I would speak instead of avoid them and mind my own business otherwise, not trying to suck up nor cower in their presence. I may have gotten a little nervous at times but if I wasn’t doing anything wrong, I saw no reason to shake in my boots when there was a sighting of a manager. I have always felt that my manager, director, Vice President or CEO deserves respect and honor, fear does not enter that equation.
Leadership that I encountered after that time were all on the positive side. There weren’t many supervisors but the personalities were again polar opposites. If the manager was kind the supervisor was suspect.
I’m not sure why these working relationships among leaders was made up of opposites. I personally tried to hire supervisors, to work for me, who would reflect my values and share my vision for and with the team so we would better be able to achieve identified goals more easily and as quickly as possible. If I had to spend time fighting with polar opposite viewpoints, that would be a waste of valuable time, besides that, it would undermine my trust in them. Competence and trust matter to me.
Agreement Matters
Regardless of how managers and supervisors do or do not compliment one another’s personalities and idiosyncrasies, they should be in agreement on vision, management style, ethics and leadership direction. Everyone under their leadership should be able to see that agreement.
Everyone can have an opinion but leadership should have genuine agreement and sincere conviction on decisions and actions … both past and future. Where there is confusion, non-threatening conversations in pursuit of understanding should take place.
Never should a leader’s disagreement with their leader become the topic of conversation with those who report to either of them. There is, however a very important caveat here. If, as a leader you find that the person you report to is or has acted in an unethical and/or illegal manner then you should absolutely take steps to report this information to trusted, responsible individuals who can handle the situation appropriately and confidentially if needed. If the unethical, illegal behaviors are chronic and widespread within the organization, then it is probably not an organization in which you belong.
Unfortunately, some will leave good organizations and good people because of lies and distortions that undermine the reputation and success of that organization and it’s work. Always keep a level head in such situations and consider the source when people cry foul. Disgruntled employees, former employees, members and “ex’s” of every kind are often the authors of some very inappropriate, inaccurate information that most often should be taken with a grain of salt or should be halted whenever possible. As the old saying goes, “consider the source.”
Imitation Matters
It is said that Imitation is the greatest form of flattery. When someone imitates our behaviors or our choices we are supposed to be flattered. This proves to be the case the more narcissistic we are. We once talked about narcissism in one of my posts, “Four Surprising Realities About People Who Treat Others Like Children,” (March, 2020) in which we learned that narcissism should be viewed as a range in which each of us fall. Some of us are on the lower end, some midway and some further along the extreme. I personally have never been so high along the scale of narcissism that I have found a person’s imitation of me to the point of the elimination of their individuality, to be a compliment. Clearly such an individual is not comfortable with who I am nor with who they are, so that would first need to be rectified. Then, that person can focus on developing leadership qualities. We can imitate the creation of things and maybe even concepts and messages but our personalities should be able to shine through. For one leader to stop individuality in another leader, is to imply or confirm that the one leader is creating an oppressive environment. Again, that is not to say that a secondary leader, like a supervisor or manager has the right to override or over rule the higher level leader’s decision making or authority. Make sure if you walk away, you are doing it for all the right reasons and based upon first hand knowledge. It is often the person that we observe privately who is the real persona of the individual we are dealing with. An honest person knows an honest person when they get to know one. A good leader knows a good leader when they get to know one.
The late Dr. Myles Monroe said it best, “Learn from others, don’t become them.”
When we follow unethical leaders, I firmly believe we know in our heart of hearts that it’s bad leadership. Why do we stay?
- Fear of losing what we have worked so hard to gain if we offend them or if we quit
- Unwillingness to start over somewhere else
- Hunger for recognition from a leader who has a great deal of clout in his or her circles, in the community or in the world
- Denial because we refuse to acknowledge we made the mistake to believe in this person to begin with
- Low Self Esteem which drives. Us to believe we have no power to overcome the power and authority that this leader possesses and this we should simply except it
- Determination to outlast the bad in this person and remain until they have been removed and replaced with something better. That’s not such a bad state. At least it implies more conscious thinking and intentional actions on the part of the one who believes change can and will happen. This is certainly an acceptable frame of mind.
Intention Matters
The key question throughout any analysis of good or bad leadership and mentor ship is intent.
I knew a VP once, who I am convinced was a representative of the devil. She was mean, self serving and wore two faces, even though she was known for being rough and tough towards others of all levels including her equals.
For years I had little to no interactions with her. I suddenly had to deal with her frequently in multiple settings. She spoke negatively behind my back while pledging to support the work I was doing. She showed little or no knowledge of the work I was doing and made no apologies for this yet shared a multitude of opinions on how it should change. She spoke boldly to me privately to indicate her lack of approval yet never said these things publicly or in front of her colleagues who openly approved of my work. I think she lived to make me look bad in the eyes of new supporters but did not behave in this manner before those who were already in my corner. I will admit, she initially caused me stress but eventually I began to pray about her removal from my sphere of influence and I found a way to ignore her. She ended up too busy to be around. God answers prayer.
I sound pretty clear and pretty negative about this person but in all honesty, I made every excuse on her behalf to let her off the hook. It was difficult to believe anyone would intentionally try to harm another person or their reputation. It took me a while to be honest with myself but eventually I had to be. Others saw it but did not attempt to put a label on it. They just knew it was wrong and they had no problem distancing themselves from that individual. I on the other hand took a little longer. We sometimes have to shake ourselves into reality. I had to come to the conclusion that some people do not have good intentions. Sometimes we figure out why and sometimes we don’t. What is important is that we come to a realistic conclusion if that is what we are facing. In my case, this person was not my boss. But sometimes I ask myself, “What if they were?” How would I have handled the situation then? Time may not have been on my side, but then again I’m sure she might never have hired me to serve in leadership under her anyway because I was more mission and vision focused, playing within the parameters of the rules and guidelines as opposed to being a ruthless go-getter. Not my thing and I’m OK with that. I may not have said it but she didn’t always play by the rules.
I have another example of questionable intent. I had a colleague who once presented herself as a friend. I liked her a lot. We worked well together. Several years into our working relationship I learned of several disparaging conversations she’d had with people that I had key working relationships with. One of them was her direct report. I’ll call her Terri. She shared false information with Terri that made Terri question my confidence in her abilities. It doesn’t stop there. This colleague also had conversations with me about Terri, but not enough was said to make me think twice about the Terri’s ability to do her job. This occurred with other individuals as well and was only done with those who did not know me well; never with individuals that I had close, long term relationships with. In these cases, however, the individuals involved were higher ranking leaders that I had to work with in some capacity. In all cases the individuals shared the conversation with me or with my boss, so I always, somehow received insight and revelation on each occurrence. In the initial situation with Terri, I one day asked her why she was so intent on proving herself to me and that that was unnecessary and she had shared her story. Months later, after we had developed a great working relationship, she shared with me that she continued to struggle with what happened and why her manager would undermine her the way she did. All I can say is, I learned that this person’s intentions were not what I believed them to be in the beginning. Why? No idea. I simply put our relationship in context and moved forward.
Concluding Thoughts
Hopefully you don’t think that every person I dealt with in my professional walk was out to get me. I don’t feel that way. I have worked with, partnered with, worked under and led some of the best people anyone could ever work with in corporate settings, nonprofit organizations and churches! I could have become overly suspicious and cynical of everyone or an insecure victim, however, I’ve grown from every relationship and every experience. That’s why we have them. To help us grow.
They say “Hind sight is 20/20,” I can also say, “Hind Sight is Wisdom.” As you grow in leadership, you should grow in experience. Experience equals wisdom. As we explored not too long ago, in “The Ultimate Guide to Common Sense in Leadership,” we concluded that if we want to be good leaders, experience matters. We can therefore deduce that Wisdom Matters.