“Everybody says, ‘mistake is the first step of success,’ but the real fact is… ‘correction of mistake is the first step of success.’” – Unknown***
So often I encounter leaders who are facing the challenge of correcting behaviors in someone they are leading, whether it is an employee, a volunteer, a supervisor or others. The other category can be family but correcting family members’ behaviors can take on a very different tone and appearance… though technically it should still follow the same processes that we find to be effective in other leadership settings.
Oftentimes in life we find ourselves dealing with situations in one of three ways:
1. The way we should address them
2. The way we really want to address them
3. The way we feel like addressing them
The Way We Feel
I’m going to start with number three. My advice is don’t follow this manner of addressing bad behavior. It is ultimately addressing the bad behavior of others based upon the emotions their behaviors are triggering in us. The problem here is just as one might imagine, we are reacting emotionally and probably irrationally and will come to regret it.
If I have learned nothing else I know that emotionally charged reactions to anything is a mistake; no rationale, no reasoning and probably no good outcome. Even if you accomplish some part of the intended goal the emotion robs you of positioning yourself as one who is representing what is right, ethical or appropriate. The anger, frustration, agitation, sadness or other emotion over shadows the circumstances and the real message gets lost.
What We Really Want
Let’s talk about number two, “The way we really want to address them”
The way we really want to address the person with chronic absenteeism is to suspend them. The way we really want to address the supervisor who works for us, and is constantly sending a different message to the team is to fire them! The way we really want to deal with the volunteer helper who does everything and helps tremendously but lies all the time is to ignore him!
None of these will benefit you or the dream team you are attempting to build. Suspension for someone with chronic absenteeism is a gift. The supervisor with conflicting messages may be worth keeping or may not but we really won’t know unless we sit down and confront the behavior and find out why it happens in the first place. Last but not least, the lying volunteer will probably continue to lie until we tell him, point blank, that this behavior is not a valued part of the tram and it caused distrust and frustration, so stop it!
When we handle it based on how we want to handle things we often end up rethinking what we did and regretting it. The best thing to do is to take a deep breath, give it some thought, consult previously written policies and develop a well thought out approach to correct unwanted behaviors.
The Right Way to Correct Behavior
When we, as leaders, meet the challenge of correcting inappropriate behaviors in others there are a few general rules to remember, not sometimes but always. First make sure you invoke and convey the proper temperament, timing and tone to deliver a message that is clear and concise but also non-threatening.
- Our Temperament should be calm.
- Our Timing should be appropriate, allowing for open and honest discussion to take place without making the individual feel rushed.
- Our Tone should be calm but direct, sincere but serious, encouraging not accusing.
Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe said it this way, “Correction does much, but encouragement does more.” This is the right perspective to maintain when speaking to others about their behaviors and the need to correct them. While I’m not inciting anyone to become a pushover or a bleeding heart, keep in mind that behind every action – good or bad, there is a story. That person who is always late, may have babysitter or daycare issues. That leader under you with the short fuse and thus bad temper may be under an enormous amount of stress at home, at school or in life.
Leaders should have enough dialogue filled with enough quality to get to the heart of the person who is carrying out the behavior. We want to hear the story… the true story so we can help. If nothing else we want to get to the heart and the mind of the person and get them to grasp the fact that the behavior is not acceptable and that it must change. Until they reach that conclusion the behavior may continue until we coach them out of the role. The problem with correcting family is that we cannot coach them out of their roles.
- Review any related, documented policies to be clear on what they may have done wrong – if you don’t have any start writing them now before you need them or hire a consultant to write them for you.
- Correct people privately, applaud them publicly
- Give honest feedback
- Describe the unwanted behaviors and examples of when they occurred
- Ask their thoughts about the information you shared, what happened and why it happened
- Listen to their side of the story in response to information you shared
- Address concerns promptly, not months after the fact and don’t knit pick by pulling out a million minute irrelevant issues that make you sound more credible and reduce their confidence
- Focus terms and references on the behavior not the person
- Help them problem solve the issue during your discussion
- Inform them of next steps and your follow up then make sure you follow up
Keep an Open Mind
When going into the meeting, bear in mind that the outcome may be different than you anticipate so keep an open mind. I was used to working with managers who went in to write an employee up and they wrote the employee up. If they planned to give a final written warning that’s what they gave them. Not that that’s wrong but things aren’t always what they seem.
Things Aren’t Always What They Seem
When I worked in employment, I had to provide employee relations support and guidance to management. This particular day, I had to cover additional departments because a coworker was out of the office. A manager that I had only encountered in passing many times, and who I found to be very outspoken and maybe a bit harsh needed assistance with an urgent matter. She came to see me and described two rather serious incidents involving two different professional staff members. She was very disturbed by the behaviors and I didn’t blame her. We discussed the appropriate discipline would need to be a final written warning for one individual and termination of employment for the other based upon their actions. I was surprised at how human this manager appeared to be as we discussed these outcomes because she was visibly troubled. She knew what had to be done and she called it herself but wanted to know if I thought this was in fact what she needed to do.
She left to carry out the actions and said she would contact me later to update me. When she returned with the completed paperwork, she explained each meeting with each employee and the outcome of those meetings and what she was able to find out from her discussions and additional investigation. The woman who was to receive a final written warning was given a documented counseling and the woman destined for termination received a written warning. After meeting with and gathering more information on the incidents, neither warranted as harsh a punishment as we’d initially believed. In both cases, words and deeds that on the surface were quite condemning ended up being much less serious and proof could be found to support a reduction in the level of correction needed.
I was so impressed by this manager’s willingness to rethink her initial plan and allow the punishment to fit the crime, it there was even a crime committed! Things aren’t always what they seem! I had the utmost respect for her following this incident. I am not exaggerating when I say no manager I had ever dealt with prior to that had ever been willing to change their minds when they had already decided on a punishment for correcting an employee’s behaviors. No matter what, the punishment should fit the crime… but not only that but when correcting others don’t think punishment think correction. That’s the goal. We are trying to help them do better.
Closing Thoughts
When we are leading we are coaching… we are encouraging… we are developing others. When we act out of emotion we are more than likely trying to hurt or punish but that’s not our role. We are not prison wardens… though even the prison warden should see themselves as a leader who is there to coach, encourage and develop.
Leadership is leadership, no matter where we are. Trying to get people to change their behavior is tough. While I’m offering suggestions that yield great coaching and counseling I am not suggesting that we are counselors. We are leaders attempting to bring out the best in those we lead. Unfortunately, the person may not be in agreement and thus finds no need to change, may not have the fortitude to change though they know change is warranted or may not be able to change because of personal obstacles they have yet to figure out how to address. For such individuals, it is through the corrective action process (disciplinary process) in a work setting that we will eventually coach them out of the job. Try as we might, we cannot always help everyone win but we can make the attempt. Keep trying. There will be more success stories than failures!