“If they do it often, it isn’t a mistake; it’s just their behavior.” – Dr. Steve Maraboli***
Toxic personalities are interesting to say the least. It might be safe to say that many are often engaging, maybe even intoxicating in a sense. Even the most cautious, level headed individual will find themselves involved personally, professionally or casually with someone who is considered toxic, at some point in their lives. It is most unfortunate and challenging when one is born into a toxic situation and ultimately has to grow up and grow out of such a life to break free from it, which may require professional help. It is also quite challenging to manage a toxic relationship when you are not accustomed to such associations but you end up with one.
As we live and learn, we are bound to have such encounters and when handled effectively, we prayerfully come out a little wiser then when we went in. This may be intentional or by accident! There are, however, instances in which we find ourselves having to supervise or manage individuals whose behaviors are defined as toxic.
When we say behaviors are toxic, we should be clear about what that actually means.
Toxic Personalities Are Emotionally Complicated
If we do a psychological study of the toxic personality, we would find the same or similar traits across multiple sources.
• Manipulative
• Judgmental
• Won’t Take Ownership of Their Feelings
• They Don’t Apologize
• They Make You Prove Yourself to Them
• They Make You Defend Yourself
• Not Caring or Supportive
Toxic Personalities Infect Those Around Them
Toxic personalities are draining to those they prey upon. People often dread seeing people coming who exhibit these behaviors, and such personalities stir up a myriad of emotions in others and they cause people to act in ways they know they shouldn’t. The unwelcome behaviors they may bring out of you may include gossip, negativity, insecurity, the need for approval, and mean action towards others. Ultimately a toxic personality brings others down instead of building them up.
7 Toxic Behaviors to Eliminate in Group Settings
Let me highlight how toxicity can create a toxic environment in a team or family setting. A well-known American management consultant, Peter Drucker, defined seven areas of toxicity in group and work settings. These behaviors, do not contradict the individual traits of a toxic personality but they personify them in the group setting or in a team:
1. Disrespect and belittling
2. Unequity, unfairness and favoritism
3. Lack of empathy, appreciation and support
4. Lack of integrity and encouragement of dishonesty
5. Unreasonable pressure for short-time results
6. Harassment and bullying
7. Micromanagement and distrust
People whose intentional actions threaten the peace of mind and self-respect of others on a consistent basis are exhibiting toxic behaviors.
Toxic Personalities May Not Be Universally Unsettling
I had an epiphany the other day. I came to the realization that some people with toxic tendencies may not be as disruptive to some as they are to others. What led me to this line of thinking was a former employee, a relative and someone I knew in church.
Example – Former Employee
Years ago at a past employer, there was a management team I worked with quite often to provide employee relations support. There was an employee in their department, who quite frankly intimidated them. She intimidated the two supervisors as well as the director, though the director would never admit it. They often spoke of her past life, as a gang member or one who grew up among gang members. Each of them shared stories and conversations that supported ways in which she intimidated them whenever they irritated her or treated her in any way other than how she wanted to be treated. She would shut down conversations by walking away while they were still talking, there were insinuations that there might be retaliation from friends if she were mistreated, there were verbal lashings and altercations from and with this individual. She was, however, a rather productive employee otherwise, with a high accuracy rate and she served customers well. Many employees as well as the leadership, as stated previously, were intimidated by her and felt she created a hostile work environment. They believed her to be toxic. I on the other hand, found her to be… well… quite interesting. She was a character. She spoke loudly. She complained about the people she worked with and did, in fact, speak of how annoying they were to her. She admittedly acknowledged her wrongdoing any time I spoke with her but she also knew she did good work. They thought she had a toxic personality, while I just thought she was a character. She was eventually terminated but she was also very non-threatening when that happened. Out of curiosity, after she left my office that last time, I looked through her employee file to see where she worked prior to working at this particular company and what her references looked like. I found a good solid work record with stellar references! Hmmm, like I said, interesting.
Example – A Relative
I have a relative whose father leaves much to be desired. He exhibits all the classic signs of a toxic parent through the words he speaks and the love and support he withholds. His children often have to prove and justify themselves, and he is no stranger to making them feel guilty about the things they say or do in the course of living a normal life. What I notice, however is that one of his children is more emotionally and psychologically impacted by his behaviors than his brother. He spends more time trying to please, justify and appease his father, while his brother, who does see the behaviors to a lesser degree, is far less angered and troubled by his father’s words and deeds. The second sibling simply refuses to allow his father to get to him. I also notice the father is less intense with the second son and just does not show his more toxic self to his younger son. So, does this father have the awareness and the level of self-control necessary to direct and redirect his behaviors at will? Hmmm, something else to ponder.
Example – Church Member
There was a church member I once attended church with, who might be deemed toxic by some, but as you might have guessed, not by others. She was loved by some, feared by others and ultimately avoided by yet another group. The latter group was smaller but existed nonetheless. Most of us saw the undesirable behaviors… the bullying, the lack of support and encouragement of others and the signs of occasional dishonesty… but we were not as bothered by it as some were. These individuals were more effected by her toxic traits more so than others and eventually chose to distance themselves from her. Unfortunately, many onlookers were not understanding why anyone needed to distance themselves from her at all as they viewed her as such a perfect individual. This perfection was the persona she more openly wanted others to see.
Toxic Behaviors Do Not Affect All People the Same
Much to the surprise of many, toxic behavior is often unconscious as well as covert. It is because of this surreptitious manner of conduct that it does not always effect all people the same way. There are degrees to which a person may exhibit toxic tendencies in addition to varying levels of depth. Because this is the case, it may take some time for a leader to identify a toxic influence within their team. This is also the case in personal relationship as well. Men and women may often get deeply involved in a relationship with someone over time before they realize the person is manipulative and harmful to their psychological well-being.
Address Toxic Behaviors the Same as Other Negative Behaviors
Leaders need to be alert and as discerning as possible when watching group dynamics, speaking with team members, hearing concerns from or about individuals as well as when looking into matters of concern. It can be easy to hear one side and ignore the other based upon interpersonal dynamics but avoid this temptation and remain objective. Ask questions and get insights from observers or witnesses others than those who are directly involved. Once you have all the facts, you can make an informed decision and determine your next steps.
I once had two employees who started out as friendly coworkers and over time became feuding foes. Each would show up almost daily, in my office with very convincing stories about the other’s vindictive, inappropriate behaviors. It wasn’t something I could ignore but it took a while for me to clearly identify who was manipulating and who was being manipulated. It was imperative that I not use unnecessary disciplinary measures on either of them when it was not warranted. The toxicity of the situation began to affect me! As time went on, it was plain to see that both had come to engage in inappropriate behaviors towards one another and I was able to identify the original source of the toxicity. Both shared some level of responsibility but clearly one was the spark while the other was the flame. There were negative outcomes for both.
Toxicity Applies to Behavior Not People
To put it simply, people are not toxic, behaviors are toxic. Good people can begin to act in toxic ways just as negative people can act in toxic ways. Either may do so temporarily or long term, depending on the reasons behind the behaviors, but things can change, nonetheless.
Now with that being said, let me not miss the moment. Do not take what I just said as an insinuation that one should continue to subject themselves to harmful, toxic behaviors under the assumption that it could change one day. If you are in an unhealthy relationship, at work, at home or anywhere else, you may need to come to the realization sooner than later that you need to simply distance yourself from that individual or completely cut them off. Cutting others off is harder when it is family, so distancing might be a better option but know that it is not the only option.
Closing Comments
More than anything, it is important to realize that every negative act is not indicative of toxic behavior. It is also important to realize that toxic behaviors need to be carefully discerned and addressed appropriately. When toxicity is not addressed it becomes a poison. Like a virus it spreads and infects other people. If not eradicated it will wipe out the best of teams. That’s where leadership comes in. While it is a good idea to avoid individuals who exhibit ongoing toxic behaviors, leaders are rarely able to avoid such individuals when they appear in or around their teams. Leaders have to deal with it head on before it spreads and infects. Remember, as the unknown author penned, “What you allow is what will continue.” Be alert. Be discerning. Listen. Ask questions. Talk to witnesses. Gain Insight. Make decisions. Move forward.