“I think the first step is to understand that forgiveness does not exonerate the perpetrator. Forgiveness liberates the victim. It’s a gift you give yourself.” – T.D. Jakes***
If ever there was a time to clean the cobwebs from our minds, this is it. Though we are still in the crux of the Coronavirus, and things are improving in the U.S., there is still a semblance of uncertainty around us. We will one day soon be back in the office or other busy settings as we may have been in the past and at some point things may begin to operate with the same buzz and vigor they once did. So will the office politics, the personality wars and the creatures of competition rise again as well? When they do will we be ready to forgive past hurts and habits of the workplace?
I am still haunted by memories of people who I once felt were individuals who were supposed to have my back but proved to be enemies of my core values, my professional goals and the institutional objectives for which I was ultimately responsible. All in the name of… I can’t even tell you. I can guess… distrust… possessiveness…insanity (LOL). I have to admit some of the behaviors and actions struck me as more than odd and they often went way beyond office politics. I ultimately held my head up and kept doing whatever it was I was supposed to do but that doesn’t make it any easier. This can be especially hard when my jobs have often been to help others navigate these situations. I was always the person who got along well with others but every now and then there’s that one person.
The Need for Workplace Forgiveness: An Example
I hear you asking for an example, so here’s one. I was in a meeting once with two high level leaders. One was my boss. We were discussing how well a process, that involved both of our areas was flowing. It was a positive conversation; a feel good moment, until suddenly, High Level Leader #2 (not my leader) says, “Yes, [it’s all going well] now we just have to get Cynthia to share the information she receives, with the people on my team.” High Level Leader #1 did not seem to notice. I noticed and responded immediately with “I already do that.” My response was heard like the sound of ashes blowing in the wind during a parade! That’s right, it went totally unnoticed. Don’t get me wrong, High Level Leader #1 was a very supportive leader who was obviously so elated by the positive exchange that had kicked off the conversation, that she totally missed the potshot that came flying across the room midstream. I was a bit younger and probably more intimidated by these high level leaders back then, which admittedly might have had a different outcome today given my No Nonsense mindset these days; and let’s not forget the sobering effect that Covid has had on us all. With that in mind, I’m not sure how that conversation would have ended if it were happening today… but I digress. Back to the example.
Historically, High Level Leader #2 was constantly taking potshots at me when she could and throwing daggers in my direction when I wasn’t in the room. Strangely enough, when we were alone in a room together she acted as if she was my greatest ally and if ever I needed her, I should feel free to approach. She was such a nemesis that another high level leader sent a message through my boss that I should watch myself when High Level Leader #2 was around. If that doesn’t make the professional hairs on your neck stand up, I don’t know what will. To make things worse High Level Leader #2 often partnered up with another leader to create poison darts to shoot my way. Don’t worry. I somehow learned how to put distance between us. Even though I do not see these individuals anymore, their memories remain. Whether I had to work with them today or not, thoughts of them could very well re-enact the anger or intimidation they invoked when we had to play politics together. This begs the question, can we forgive them for their behavior? Do we need to bother with forgiveness towards people we may never see again? The answer is yes.
Forgiveness Can Benefit Our Well Being
Research has shown that forgiveness can actually help boost productivity. I don’t have to tell you it increases well-being, nor do I have to remind you of the value of well-being in the role of a leader.
In the “Forgiveness Working: Forgiveness, Health, and Productivity in the Workplace” Study, conducted in 2016 with 200 participants, the results showed a link between forgiveness and increased productivity, decreased absenteeism and fewer physical and mental health concerns. Further examination showed these benefits were partly the result of the individuals’ disposition of forgiveness and the interpersonal stress that disposition brings with it.
According to the Mayo Clinic, exercising forgiveness produces:
- Improved self-esteem
- Healthier relationships
- Reduced stress, anxiety and symptoms of depression
- Improved mental health, heart health & a stronger immune system
- Lower blood pressure
Negative Feelings Produce Negative Outcomes
Further research shows when people hold onto resentment or other negative feelings after being in conflict with others at work, we can expect them to become disengaged, there’s the possibility of more aggressive behavior and a lack of cooperation. I have seen others in this state after dealing with issues of harassment and hostile work environments. Unfortunately, those they were working with in their HR departments or in leadership, failed to recognize that there were specific incidents that precipitated the negative behaviors that were presenting themselves in the workplace spotlight. Sometimes it is advantageous to do a little probing and a lot of listening to recognize the triggers that have led to current situations.
Six Steps to Forgiveness
- Recognize that Forgiveness is a Way to Release the damage and eliminate the oppression that comes with unforgiveness. Forgiveness is for us more so than the person we feel did wrong.
- Remember Spiritual Application – Christians and many from other religions are commanded to forgive others for their wrongs while remembering the forgiveness God has given us. The message here is that if God can forgive us our wrongs, certainly we can forgive others for their encroachments against us.
- Be Honest With Yourself – Who needs to be forgiven? Why? What are your really upset about and what exactly are you feeling? If you have to write your answers down to help you sort through your emotions.
- Pray About It – If you follow this post, you know we have talked about both the spiritual and the scientific evidence that prayer is beneficial. According to research, most people do pray. And certainly if you are Christian, when attempting to deal with issues of forgiveness, it is a time to ask God for help in forgiving those that hurt us. We may not be able to handle the hurt or the anger but God can.
- Make the Decision to Forgive – Once we have identified the subject of our anguish, we then need to make a conscious decision to let it go and forgive the person. This does not “let the person off the hook” but it releases us to move forward with our lives.
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Put It In Perspective – We tend to confuse forgiveness with subjecting ourselves to repetitious abuse. Sometimes people hurt us unintentionally in their wrongdoing and sometimes it is not unintentional at all. And still there are those who really aren’t concerned with who gets hurt, they just do what they do with reckless disregard for others. These are individuals we must guard ourselves from and with whom we interact with caution. Keep them at a safe distance to prevent future offenses.
Concluding Thoughts
The role of leadership is to help create environments where people can develop and thrive. These environments should be nurturing and fortified in producing a culture of forgiveness and acceptance. Leadership is also responsible for providing teams with the right tools and resources needed to be productive and successful in their work environment. This therefore means that leaders have to practice forgiveness and we must also be willing to have the conversations so others recognize its value and how to practice it themselves. We lead by example. So can we forgive others for their negative behaviors? Do we need to bother with forgiveness towards people we may never see again? The answer is yes.
Kind Regards,
C.
Other resources you might find helpful include:
1. Nine Steps to Forgiveness
2. MayoClinic.org article How to Reach a State of Forgiveness