“One good conversation can shift the direction of change forever.” – Linda Lambert***
What if we could hire someone to step up to the plate and take our place every time we must have a difficult conversation with someone else? That would certainly be nice… but that’s probably not going to happen!
I clearly recall one leader who was shaking like a leaf because she had to terminate someone’s employment. I wasn’t sure if she was shaking because of the task itself or if it was because she was intimidated by the individual she was terminating. I was in the process of reviewing the steps for termination with her when I noticed her trembling, so I offered to sit in on the termination. I saw the color return to her face immediately as she expressed gratitude.
I further became aware of the intimidation because she thought she should have security stationed outside the door while meeting with the employee. I nixed this idea because I had a rather positive relationship with the person myself and at no time did I ever feel threatened. She gave me no reason to suspect she might become violent. She was bold. She was extremely direct. She had questionable affiliations during her teenage years and she was mischievous enough to mention that to those she perceived as annoying, but her actions were never anything other than acceptable otherwise. She was a character and she was keenly aware of what she was doing. The reason she kept getting into trouble with leadership was because she would go above and beyond time constraints while doing more than she needed to do to help others. Such actions kept her from being on post or staying on top of the workload on her desk. So no. Security not needed!
The actual termination went smoothly. The supervisor was visibly nervous throughout the meeting though. When it was over she hurriedly left my office, flushed and exhausted. The then “former” employee remained and we talked a little more. She indicated she knew this was coming but she was standing on principle in choosing to continue some of the behaviors she had exhibited. She was not doing anything wrong, she felt because she was helping others, even if she was not on her specified post of duty when she was expected to be there. She further conveyed that the leadership she was under was going to get rid of her regardless of what she was doing because they had made up their minds to do so. She made her choice and they made theirs. We can’t always predict the response but we should prepare nonetheless.
Difficult Conversations are Inevitable
More often than any of us might like to admit, there comes a time when we have to have the difficult conversations with others. Having found myself in the midst of these situations, many times, I’m hoping you can gain insight into managing those interactions, as you read further.
No matter the topic, these conversations can be emotionally draining and psychologically challenging but a leader can never be a good leader unless they are able to have the difficult conversations.
Key Things to Remember Regardless of the Subject
- Think Through the Situation – Think it through: What do you want to say, what do you need to say and why?
- Walk Through the Steps – Walk through the conversation in your mind. Practice your approach and what has to be said along with possible responses. Jot down the words, the steps and the must do’s. This is not the time to wing it. When the words you speak and the actions you are taking will have a profound effect on another human being, we need to be purposeful, thoughtful, intentional and respectful.
- Follow Through to Completion – Make sure you close the conversation with the appropriate comments to bring closure. This might include words of consolation, “I’m sorry things ended this way but I know with your skills…” Do not be condescending. Also, like I often say to my youngest child, “read the room.” Recognize how the individual appears to be taking the conversation and respond accordingly. This is not good news so don’t act like you just gave them a raise. They are most likely stunned, hurt or even angry. They have that right. Don’t drag this meeting out. Be quick but not rushed and give them information in writing, not just verbally. Once they leave and get over the shock of what just happened, they may not remember half of what you instructed them to do going forward.
Example 1: Ending a Work Relationship
Again, terminating an employee is never easy. If it is you might want to consider getting counseling in order to delve into why you view such challenges as being easy. I’m sorry to inform you that is not normal. Even if you can’t stand to see this person coming, there should be at least a twinge of remorse in having to deliver a devastating message. I have seen individuals who did it so frequently and unjustifiably that they clearly seemed to get some pleasure out of it. These same individuals were people who were firing people for personal reasons, not business reasons and their lack of compassion was indicative of their overall mindset.
The first order of business needing to be addressed, is the emotional and psychological readiness of the leader. It is normal to want to avoid having to terminate someone. That’s part of the thought process. You don’t want to do it because no one wants to be out of a job, as it causes difficulty and pain for the one who gets terminated. In addition, it has an impact on their lifestyle, ability to pay bills and putting food on the table. While these are many of the unpleasant realities, it cannot stop you from taking needed action to protect and advance the work you are assigned to lead. You can, however use it to at least fuel convey a very real compassion and gentleness in the process of ending the working relationship. Therefore incorporate the following…
- Put it in Perspective – this person is human and this will create challenges and pain in their immediate future.
- Be Kind – watch your tone and your words. You are closing out the situation so anger and abruptness are not necessary. They need you to remain calm and in control.
- Be Thorough – Review past discussions and documentation. Walk through the progression of corrective action to make it clear “how we got here.” Be thorough but be brief.
- Get to the Point – Inform the individual that based on the history of problems and policy (yes you should have a policy that supports your action) you have regrettably come to the decision to terminate their employment.
- Provide Documentation – Have them sign the corrective action or disciplinary form that documents the termination and its reasons. Legally they can refuse to sign but a trusted representative, i.e. another leader, should sign as a witness that the individual chose not to sign.
- Be Informative – Inform them of Next Steps – provide instruction on what they need to know or do, i.e. insurance premiums, returning keys and other company property, how and when they should pack their things and leave the building. You should avoid allowing them to access computers and other equipment. The quicker they can leave the premises the better it will be for you and other employees. This helps to minimize the conversations and awkwardness. Do not assume they will do any damage to your business but be aware that it does happen.
Example 2: Telling an Employee They Need to Manage Their Body Odor
- Start with the Policy – Yes, there’s that policy thing again. You need to make sure your dress code policy includes language regarding maintaining good hygiene. If not make the correction for the future but follow through with the employee anyway.
- Do Your Homework – explore the possibilities that the odor might be the result of illness, deodorant or soap allergy or some other extenuating circumstance.
- Have the Discussion – again show compassion and don’t pass judgment. Start this private conversation by informing them that this conversation may be awkward but you need to talk to them about it.
- Choose Your Words – Address the situation as something you personally have noticed. Avoid mentioning if anyone else noticed or brought it to your attention
- Ask the Question – Determine if they are aware of the odor and how to address it. Share examples and possible remedies understanding that every person doesn’t get the same results from the use of every soap and deodorant. They may need to discuss options with their doctor.
You can follow a similar approach to speak to an employee about inappropriate dress or overwhelming use of cologne or perfume in the workplace. It again, starts with the dress code policy.
Difficult Conversations Are a Part of Life
No matter who we are or what we do, we must learn, not only to have the hard conversations but also to manage them. Part of managing them is increasing our mental capacity to get through it and developing an informed competence to be able to verbally and visually maneuver through the actual conversation.
As difficult as it is to talk about tough subjects or deliver negative news, it is important to understand why they are so difficult. One reason is that we focus on the agony of the conversation in the short term (theirs and ours) and we miss the long term benefits of making the change that this conversation is designed to produce. As the messenger, we may miss the recognition that it is possible to deliver bad news and still be doing something beneficial for the other person. This emphasizes the need to do things with the right heart and the right motives but it also speaks to the psychology involved in the process.
A 2019 research study “Difficult Conversations: Navigating the Tension between Honesty and Benevolence,” Levine, E. E., Roberts, A. R., & Cohen, T. R. (in press 2019) concluded “Despite the long-term benefits of these conversations, communicators approach them with trepidation, in part, because they perceive them as involving intractable moral conflict between being honest and being kind.”
We don’t think the two can coexist in challenging conversations. I have even noticed how the agony of the pending conversation can cause the messenger to become agitated and thus harsh when entering the conversation, because they are so stressed over the challenge of the encounter and its unknowns. It’s like the person who argues and breaks up with someone because they fear the person is planning to break up with them. That may or may not be the case but the person gets so stressed, they decide to create the conflict before the other part has a chance to do it. This is done out of anticipation of pain and drama.
Closing Thoughts
My role has often been to coach and counsel leaders when they had to coach and counsel others, up to and including termination of employment. I have never been able to really remove that hat but the process certainly became clearer for me, though not necessarily easier. Leaders will be faced with having the difficult conversations. It’s not a matter of if, it’s a matter of when.
Stay focused on the long term and make sure you Think Through the Situation, Walk Through the Steps and Follow Through to Completion. As a leader, the process is guided by your hand. Be prepared.