“All that a man achieves and all that he fails to achieve is the direct result of his own thoughts.” ― James Allen, “As a Man Thinketh”***
Being negative is not the same as being toxic, though we often find that toxicity may be the real issue when we find ourselves fighting our way out of destructive thought patterns. Negativity can come from within and it can also come from the people around us. Regardless of the source, to protect ourselves and propel ourselves forward, there are three life-changing lessons we can learn from negativity if we ask ourselves the right questions.
Dr. Carrie Barron, Director of the Creativity for Resilience Program at Dell Medical School
in Austin, Texas and psychiatrist on the clinical faculty of the Columbia College
of Physicians and Surgeons, defined negativity in very clear terms in a 2016 Psychology Today article, “Taking a Deeper Look at the Negative Person.” She states, “Negativity is a tendency to be downbeat, disagreeable, and skeptical. It’s a pessimistic attitude that always expects the worst. Negative outcomes are bad outcomes like losing a game, getting a disease, suffering an injury, or getting something stolen.”
With that said, let’s go further into thoughts on negativity in the people around us… even ourselves.
1. Am I Hanging With the Wrong Crowd?
If we entertain the negativity of others, we will find ourselves becoming negative as well. There is a scripture that says, “Do not be deceived: “Bad company corrupts good morals,”” 1 Corinthians 15:33 (NASB). Ultimately we become who we surround ourselves with. Most of us have little or no desire to become negative, pessimistic, cynical, gloomy or whatever negative name we want to use to describe something that puts us on a road to toxicity.
There is a Bible verse in Proverbs 23:7 that says, “As a man thinketh so is he.” To simplify what should already be clear in that verse, it means that the way in which you think and the things you think about will shape who and what you are.
It is therefore essential to learn to separate ourselves from things we don’t want to become. My mother always taught me that I should be friendly, kind and respectful towards everyone, regardless of what others think but I should not get too close to those who will have a negative impact on my character, reputation or future.
If we want to get somewhere in life, negative people will not get us there. This can impact relationships with people we are close to, even people from whom we cannot completely distance ourselves. We need not be rude but we need to find respectful ways to limit our exposure to certain people without causing undue offense. In such cases evaluate the level and amount of influence the person has and how you can keep enough distance between you for self-protection and self-preservation with the least amount of damage.
I am generally a rather optimistic, positive individual. When it comes to spiritual things I always seek to nourish and increase my faith, because it is the fuel I need to keep fear and failure at bay. It keeps me moving forward. I once, however, allowed myself to become entangled with individuals who were not so inclined. While they would probably have described themselves in the same terms I used above, (positive, optimistic and full of faith). On the contrary all communication was about gossip and negativity aimed at any and every one. I was smart enough to realize that what was said to me about others was quite likely being said to others about me. This caused suspicion and distrust to rise up and take center stage right next to the pessimism and gossip.
The best word to describe what I ultimately became, was poisoned. I was no longer optimistic nor positive. All I could think of was how awful or potentially awful everyone was. You might ask, why not discontinue the relationships? These people (only two by the way) were otherwise very sweet and fun to be around. They spoke as if they had my best interests at heart, called me frequently, and again, were fun to be around. If I needed anything, no matter what the hour, one in particular would show up at my door with whatever it was. I might easily have viewed it as the ideal friendship, but I couldn’t. It was driving me away from the place and the people I loved and who loved me – my church family.
I sat and sought wise council from my pastor. He listened intently then said just a few, impactful words: Don’t allow anyone to drive you away from what you love, then after you’re gone, they are still there to enjoy it. That jolted me into reality and I knew I had to separate myself from those who were doing the damage. It was hard and it hurt to do it but it worked. I dare say, the one who was the worst offender, totally understood! She obviously knew what she was doing, though she may have meant no harm. She made no fuss she agreed and said she understood. It didn’t take long before I could take a positive breath again.
In his book, “As a Man Thinketh” the author, James Allen said, “A noble and God-like character is not a thing of favor or chance, but is the natural result of continued effort in right thinking, the effect of long-cherished association with God-like thoughts.” If we are honest with ourselves we recognize we are unable to have God-like thoughts or positive, inspiring thoughts when we are surrounded by those who think and act contrary to godliness and positivity. Lesson learned? Change your surroundings!
2. What’s The Worst That Can Happen?
Some experts say entertaining negative thoughts isn’t all bad if we can control them and use them to our advantage. This can best be exercised when we experience a fear of failure or fear of making a bad choice. What the fear or trepidation can ultimately produce is an analytical examination of our plans and the fears we struggle with. I once read something that really made me think… If we learn from our mistakes, why are we so afraid to make a mistake? Though I laughed when I read it, it holds a great deal of weight when you think about it. Not only can we learn from the experience, we can learn something from the fear itself.
Fear Can Actually Help Us
If we look at the action or changes we plan to make, then ask ourselves what we are so fearful of, we can drill the fear down two ways. First, we should ask ourselves, “What’s the Worst that Can Happen?” If we give that some real thought and follow it up with another question, “If that worst case scenario occurs, then what?” We want to move our thoughts from imagined to realistic in our minds so they are not so large and looming, not to mention, damaging. Write down your “then what?” answers. Can you recoup? Will you still have a roof over your head? Will you lose your job? Can it be rectified? After all that contemplate one more question, “Is that really likely to happen?” There is an acronym for fear that describes fear as False Evidence Appearing Real.” We often fear things that never happen. According to…
After this thought process, the positive may outweigh the negative, we, hopefully have eradicated the effects of our over-embellished fears and can move forward with greater confidence. Worst case scenario? We do something else!
3. What Real Harm Can it Do?
According to Psychology Today, pessimism is associated with anxiety, depression, sleep disorders, hostility, high blood pressure, and heart disease. It affects us mentally and physically. Anxiety, for example, is a mental and physical state of negative expectation but it is ultimately meant to capture our attention and stimulate us to make whatever changes are necessary to protect what we care about.
Research conveyed by Glen Rein; Mike Atkinson; Rollin McCraty, Ph.D., in the Journal of Advancement in Medicine. 1995, shows that one five minute episode with anger can impair the immune system for over six hours. Long term exposure to such intense negative emotions will clearly extend that impairment causing more health concerns, including stroke and heart attack. Prolonged bouts of anger can cause high blood pressure, stress, anxiety, headaches and poor circulation.
Closing Thoughts
Determine the worst case scenario and determine if it could even happen as we imagine it, learn to reject not embrace negative behaviors from others and limit the amount of negativity or pessimism that we allow to grow and get projected from us towards others; and last but not least, if we struggle with embracing the negative more than the positive, the negative people more than the positive people, then we should think about the long term mental and physical impact it can have on us.
Leaders are often focused on what we can do with, through and for others, to accomplish the greater good but there are times we need to focus inward… for the right reasons… so we can have the greatest impact for the greater good!
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